allygator'ss [:

i really didn't think you were like this. you know what? i might have made mistakes in getting mad at you before, but this time, i really did have a reason to be mad at you, and once again, you've turned it all on me, saying YOU need time. if anyone needs time, it's me. the only reason i don't is because time is to me giving up. and i'm not a quitter. you're supposed to be more "mature", that's the whole reason why you lied about your age in the first place; good job on showing me you are! instead of talking this out, you'd rather escape it and not talk about it at all.

and yeah i feel really mean in saying all of these things, but i truly and deeply am disappointed in you, and i feel like i have really lost a lot of trust in you, and i honestly don't know if i should still be with you. relationships and love is about trust. how can you love me when you've been lying to me the whoooole time, and i don't care if it's about something simple, it's the fact that you kept up this lie for a year and a half, you've told my own parents this stupid asss lie, a lie that you shouldn't have done in the first place, which you should've come clean about soooo long ago.

sorry babe, but you can't turn this one on me. it IS your fault and i don't feel bad. not anymore. i'm not going to beg for you to come back to me and i'm not going to try to reason with you anymore. you said you liked independence, well you are going to get a huge dose of it now. i still love you and i need you, but i'm starting to realize i love myself too and i don't deserve this. so unless you honestly change, i don't think you'll have any more of me.

like i dont belong.

it sucks and it feels really bad. i dont know. lately at school i just feel sad all the time. and likee its just there that i feel sad. once i go to lunch and i see my baby (sometimes) i feel a lot better and i forget why i was in the first place but i dont know. i guess it all goes back to ninth grade because i felt this way last yr too and i almost did something about it but ended up not doing it because i thought maybe things would get a little better. and yea, they have, on certain levels. but at the same time i just dont feel satisfied.

i think its my own fault though. i think i attached myself too much to my middle school friends and to the way it was in middle school and now i can only think of school as being the way it was back then. and i dont think it ever will be. those people have known me since 2nd grade and i grew up with them and what makes me even more sad is that i barely talk to any of them anymore. i feel so replaced and i feel forgotten. i mean i have a lot of things, im happy.

i have some friends at school, i have a boy i really love who loves me back, i have my family, i have education and i have a comfortable home. but i dont know. i feel an emptiness when it comes to friendships and its been like that since 9th grade. i miss feeling like i had someone to talk to allll the time. and now i dont really. and like i miss laughing during class and being hyper all day and now i dont feel like that anymore because i dont really feel anyone to be hyper with at my school and also like everyone stares at me funny.

for once i actually feel like i dont fit in. which is really weird for me because all during middle school i felt really loved. likee it sounds bad to say but i had sooo many friends, i got along with mostly everybody in the grade xcept for like 1 person, and everyone was my friend. i was freaking school president just because everybody knew me and everybody came to me for help. and i dont know i miss that. i miss feeling useful? i dont really feel useful right now. like people dont really ask me for help and idk what really sucks is that these white vs. mexicans stereotypes is really truee . like idk it sucks. before @ language academy it was like mostly mexicans but like we were never actually fucked up to white people. likee we were all friends. but agh at hthi all i ever hear are mexican jokes and people talking crap about them and like blaming them for everything.

like today wth i was just walking to get something in art class and this guy bumps into me and hes like GEEZ move beaner and like he was using all of these derogatory names for mexicans towards me and like idk. theyre always doing that and it really upsets me and i feel really stupid because i feel like i am not standing up for myself anymore. like before i would always stand up for myself but like now i stay quiet. i guess because i know it would be a lot of people against me and they wouldnt defend me . likee i would be okay i think if i was in a class with some friends but i honestly dont really talk to anyone and its not like i dont try. like i always feel like crying because i get so desperate to have someone to talk to and i try to add something to a conversation and they literally ignore me. like theres been soo many times when i'll try to say something and nobody acknowledges me. i dont think anyone even hears me. and like it makes it me really sad because im not used to that. i was used to people always being around me and talking to me and joking around with me and asking for my opinion on things and now nobody really asks for anything of me. and likee in my old school i was considered "smart" and here just because im mexican nobody asks me for help on anything even though i probably could know the answers.

im tired of being treated like im something less than everyone else or just being ignored. it hurtss and it hurts becuase i cant even go back to my old friends anymore. i think everyone has changed including me, but what hurts is that people have changed to the point where they dont even attempt to keep old friendships alive.

agh like with _ _ _ _ _ _. before she would talk to me for eeverthing and now she only like texts me when she has problems with her boyfriend and like omg it really hurt when she only asked me if i wanted to hang out because her boyfriend was out of town and she never asks me on any other weekend to hang out with her and the one time she did she just dragged her boyfriend. and it made me really sad because i was going through a hard time with my own boyfriend and when her boyfriend finally left and i tried to tell her what was going on, she fell asleep. while i was talking.

idk it makes me feel shitty. like am i really not that important or interesting to my friends anymore? then likee shazzy. im only putting her name because this one really hurts me. i reallyyyy loved that girl as a best friend and she was my closest friend throughout middle school and we went through soo much together; i backed her up on everything & i thought she backed me up on everything too. and likee we would have soo much fun together and did the dumbest stuff and talked about the dumbest stuff and now? i dont even talk to her anymore and yes part of it is my fault because last year she was talking about how i wouldnt talk to her that much but like it seems like now that im trying, she doesnt even talk to me anymore. like i'll try to start a conversation and she drops it halfway. it hurts. because i would tell her everythinnng. whenever something exciting happened to me, i would tell her first. and now whenever something interesting happens or something exciting, i dont feel like i can tell anyonee except for ben. and i want someone else to be able to tell these stuff to.

and like what really hurt was that just because i confronted her about her ignoring me she pulled the "all u ttalk about is ur boyfriend" card. and i dont. i mean i like talking about him. and idk. shes my friend no? i wouldve expected her to be happy for me, not telling me not to talk about it. i mean i thought she wuld be. and its not like thats all i talked about. because i didnt. i asked her about her stuff and she would stop telling me halfway. and like when i confronted her the first thing she did was go and rat me out and talk crap about me with a girl that has hurt me the most throughout middle school. and it hurt because first of all, she told her that during the whole time we were "fighting" she didnt like it whe ni talked about her because she was "cool" with her. but agh. thats now how i remember it. she would say things about her too. and i thought she was my friend. i always backed her up on everything. i always defended her. when that one guy hurt her really bad, i literally went up to his face and yelled at him and called him out in front of everyone. and i dont regret it because i did it for my best friend. but like the fact that shes gonna turn back and say that she was actually not on my side at all? idk. it makes me feel like maybe friendships cant be true. i mean i really trusted this girl. with everything and i really thought she was the one person who would back me up. im really dumb though. instead of telling people how much it hurts i just dont say anything. idk honestly it hurts because now shes closer with that girl than with me. she doesnt even talk to me anymore. i havent seen her in like a year and yet she hangs out with her all the time. it makes me feel like im easily replaced. and like im a crappy friend.

idk i just feel really sad because i dont like that time passes so fast and im afraid of what other people i will lose...

to grow old with you and marry you and have your children. hahaha i'm only 16 but it's easy to say that i know what i want.

it's just that aaaah.
we don't even have to do anything but lay on a couch & sleep & thats the most happiness i've ever felt in my life.

i can't wait to have more moments like that with you, you are so amazing, it's so hard to put into words. i was thinking today that when we were going through those hard times, we stuck together and went through it. i think that says a lot of us. instead of letting it get to us and 'breaking up' like every other couple, we never stop trying. i feel so happy knowing that i am with you. i feel safe.

tomorrow field trip to LA, not feelin it. this weekend should definitely be fun though !! 4 day weekend wooop whoop.

fridayyyy : beach with my baby <33 maybe movies afterwards.
saturday : seaport villagee with babyy to watch sunset & relax there (:
sunday : motherss day !! making my mom a cakeee, cleaning the house & giving her my handmade lotion thing haha.
monday: going out with my baby but idk where yet !!!

life is gooood <3 & i love hearing you say that lols (:

i feel super relaxed and happy and everything feels calm .

i love feeling calm and relaxed and playful around him .

i dont wanna jinx anything but its like before again & i love it & i love him & i want to be his forever . and i want him to be mine foreverr .
ive been thinking about it a lot and i know im young but i finally have a good argument for why we can last .
ive never had a problem with commitment. i dont care about being single and flirting and going from guy to guy.
i just want to be loved by one guy and love one guy for the rest of my life . forget new "experiences".

i only care about knowing what it is like to be loved by one boy. and seeing him grow from boy to man. i only care about kissing one boy for the rest of my life, making love with one boy, getting married to the boy who i see transform into a man, having children with only one man for the rest of my life. growing old with one boy.

mmm, love is great.
but itss going to be hard & i am willing to deal with it .

anyway school is pretty chill, i'm not so worried about the economic summit. i dont really care if i win or not, just gonna get my work donee and im sure i can get straight b's by the end of the yr and im okay with that. ive been thinking alot about the future and im really scared !! i know forsure i want to be some kind of psychologist but my mom and other people have been telling me i should get into writing so maybe i could write books about teen psychology but also be a teen psychologist ? i'm also thinking about being a CHILD & TEEN psychologist too. ive always been really good with kidss so i think that would help me outt tooo.

and i really want to study abroad ! definitely somewhere in europe, i know in some places its a lot cheaper too. thats the good thing about studying economics ! im kinda scared about the swine flu thing because im a hypochondriac but i think i'll be okay.

we've been testing all week so i feel really relaxeed because i sleep an extra hour in class lol.

my friendships are good, my lovee is well, and everything seems fine (:

because we lay next to each face to face, feel each other's face, caress each other and just talk. the way that we kiss, the way that you talk to me, the way that we just lay there. everything.

i can't believe i ever doubted it before.

i hate getting ready for nothing. :/

i hate that i'm so afraid of his mom, i hate that she's nice to other people but not to me, i hate that i always end up at home and i hate that even though i ask other people if they want to go out they never can or probably don't want to. i hate that i don't really have a best girl friend anymore because she has a boyfriend, i hate sitting in my room, i hate feeling hopeless, i hate feeling like it's always going to be this way.

feeling like i have a best friend. i mean like a girl best friend. i have my main best friend, who's also my boyfriend, my love, everything,

but i think a girl needs another to feel like they can tell them everything, you know? i don't know. i miss feeling like that.

i spent the day with serena and the night and both days her boyfriend was over. i know that i like spending time with my boyfriend, but i wouldn't make plans with a "best friend" i haven't seen in a long time and invite my boyfriend and have him there for both days and put my "best friend" in an awkward situation the whole time.

idk. i mean i would've understanded if he would've gone with us only on friday night and then left afterwards but then he came back to her house to watch the movies with us and idk it's awkward and uncomfortable to have a friend with her boyfriend right next to you cuddling and whispering to each other. and then today, the first thing we did was pick him up and i was literally walking behind them the whole day.

and i get that she wanted my company and i appreciate that but i think i would've enjoyed it more if i would've had a chance to actually talk to her. i could only talk to her about everything going on at night, reaally late at night, and she fell asleep while i was talking to her. so instead i stayed up till almost 5 because i'd already started thinking about things that i was telling her and ended up not being able to sleep.

i don't know, sometimes i feel so alone. it's like every other girl i know already has someone they can call their best friend and mine has a new one who she wants to see aaaalll the time instead of spending ONE DAY/NIGHT with me. now i know why whenever i would invite her over she would never come, it's because she sees him every single day and they do everything together and i don't know it makes me feel sad.

i miss summer 2007 and i miss my old friends...

i think that this one really is not my fault though. i don't want to blame anyone but i know that if she really needed me i wouldn't bring my boyfriend along the whole time i was with her. and every time i offer for her to meet my boyfriend she's always busy. i don't know. i feel so lonely.