allygator'ss [:

like i dont belong.

it sucks and it feels really bad. i dont know. lately at school i just feel sad all the time. and likee its just there that i feel sad. once i go to lunch and i see my baby (sometimes) i feel a lot better and i forget why i was in the first place but i dont know. i guess it all goes back to ninth grade because i felt this way last yr too and i almost did something about it but ended up not doing it because i thought maybe things would get a little better. and yea, they have, on certain levels. but at the same time i just dont feel satisfied.

i think its my own fault though. i think i attached myself too much to my middle school friends and to the way it was in middle school and now i can only think of school as being the way it was back then. and i dont think it ever will be. those people have known me since 2nd grade and i grew up with them and what makes me even more sad is that i barely talk to any of them anymore. i feel so replaced and i feel forgotten. i mean i have a lot of things, im happy.

i have some friends at school, i have a boy i really love who loves me back, i have my family, i have education and i have a comfortable home. but i dont know. i feel an emptiness when it comes to friendships and its been like that since 9th grade. i miss feeling like i had someone to talk to allll the time. and now i dont really. and like i miss laughing during class and being hyper all day and now i dont feel like that anymore because i dont really feel anyone to be hyper with at my school and also like everyone stares at me funny.

for once i actually feel like i dont fit in. which is really weird for me because all during middle school i felt really loved. likee it sounds bad to say but i had sooo many friends, i got along with mostly everybody in the grade xcept for like 1 person, and everyone was my friend. i was freaking school president just because everybody knew me and everybody came to me for help. and i dont know i miss that. i miss feeling useful? i dont really feel useful right now. like people dont really ask me for help and idk what really sucks is that these white vs. mexicans stereotypes is really truee . like idk it sucks. before @ language academy it was like mostly mexicans but like we were never actually fucked up to white people. likee we were all friends. but agh at hthi all i ever hear are mexican jokes and people talking crap about them and like blaming them for everything.

like today wth i was just walking to get something in art class and this guy bumps into me and hes like GEEZ move beaner and like he was using all of these derogatory names for mexicans towards me and like idk. theyre always doing that and it really upsets me and i feel really stupid because i feel like i am not standing up for myself anymore. like before i would always stand up for myself but like now i stay quiet. i guess because i know it would be a lot of people against me and they wouldnt defend me . likee i would be okay i think if i was in a class with some friends but i honestly dont really talk to anyone and its not like i dont try. like i always feel like crying because i get so desperate to have someone to talk to and i try to add something to a conversation and they literally ignore me. like theres been soo many times when i'll try to say something and nobody acknowledges me. i dont think anyone even hears me. and like it makes it me really sad because im not used to that. i was used to people always being around me and talking to me and joking around with me and asking for my opinion on things and now nobody really asks for anything of me. and likee in my old school i was considered "smart" and here just because im mexican nobody asks me for help on anything even though i probably could know the answers.

im tired of being treated like im something less than everyone else or just being ignored. it hurtss and it hurts becuase i cant even go back to my old friends anymore. i think everyone has changed including me, but what hurts is that people have changed to the point where they dont even attempt to keep old friendships alive.

agh like with _ _ _ _ _ _. before she would talk to me for eeverthing and now she only like texts me when she has problems with her boyfriend and like omg it really hurt when she only asked me if i wanted to hang out because her boyfriend was out of town and she never asks me on any other weekend to hang out with her and the one time she did she just dragged her boyfriend. and it made me really sad because i was going through a hard time with my own boyfriend and when her boyfriend finally left and i tried to tell her what was going on, she fell asleep. while i was talking.

idk it makes me feel shitty. like am i really not that important or interesting to my friends anymore? then likee shazzy. im only putting her name because this one really hurts me. i reallyyyy loved that girl as a best friend and she was my closest friend throughout middle school and we went through soo much together; i backed her up on everything & i thought she backed me up on everything too. and likee we would have soo much fun together and did the dumbest stuff and talked about the dumbest stuff and now? i dont even talk to her anymore and yes part of it is my fault because last year she was talking about how i wouldnt talk to her that much but like it seems like now that im trying, she doesnt even talk to me anymore. like i'll try to start a conversation and she drops it halfway. it hurts. because i would tell her everythinnng. whenever something exciting happened to me, i would tell her first. and now whenever something interesting happens or something exciting, i dont feel like i can tell anyonee except for ben. and i want someone else to be able to tell these stuff to.

and like what really hurt was that just because i confronted her about her ignoring me she pulled the "all u ttalk about is ur boyfriend" card. and i dont. i mean i like talking about him. and idk. shes my friend no? i wouldve expected her to be happy for me, not telling me not to talk about it. i mean i thought she wuld be. and its not like thats all i talked about. because i didnt. i asked her about her stuff and she would stop telling me halfway. and like when i confronted her the first thing she did was go and rat me out and talk crap about me with a girl that has hurt me the most throughout middle school. and it hurt because first of all, she told her that during the whole time we were "fighting" she didnt like it whe ni talked about her because she was "cool" with her. but agh. thats now how i remember it. she would say things about her too. and i thought she was my friend. i always backed her up on everything. i always defended her. when that one guy hurt her really bad, i literally went up to his face and yelled at him and called him out in front of everyone. and i dont regret it because i did it for my best friend. but like the fact that shes gonna turn back and say that she was actually not on my side at all? idk. it makes me feel like maybe friendships cant be true. i mean i really trusted this girl. with everything and i really thought she was the one person who would back me up. im really dumb though. instead of telling people how much it hurts i just dont say anything. idk honestly it hurts because now shes closer with that girl than with me. she doesnt even talk to me anymore. i havent seen her in like a year and yet she hangs out with her all the time. it makes me feel like im easily replaced. and like im a crappy friend.

idk i just feel really sad because i dont like that time passes so fast and im afraid of what other people i will lose...