allygator'ss [:

i feel super relaxed and happy and everything feels calm .

i love feeling calm and relaxed and playful around him .

i dont wanna jinx anything but its like before again & i love it & i love him & i want to be his forever . and i want him to be mine foreverr .
ive been thinking about it a lot and i know im young but i finally have a good argument for why we can last .
ive never had a problem with commitment. i dont care about being single and flirting and going from guy to guy.
i just want to be loved by one guy and love one guy for the rest of my life . forget new "experiences".

i only care about knowing what it is like to be loved by one boy. and seeing him grow from boy to man. i only care about kissing one boy for the rest of my life, making love with one boy, getting married to the boy who i see transform into a man, having children with only one man for the rest of my life. growing old with one boy.

mmm, love is great.
but itss going to be hard & i am willing to deal with it .

anyway school is pretty chill, i'm not so worried about the economic summit. i dont really care if i win or not, just gonna get my work donee and im sure i can get straight b's by the end of the yr and im okay with that. ive been thinking alot about the future and im really scared !! i know forsure i want to be some kind of psychologist but my mom and other people have been telling me i should get into writing so maybe i could write books about teen psychology but also be a teen psychologist ? i'm also thinking about being a CHILD & TEEN psychologist too. ive always been really good with kidss so i think that would help me outt tooo.

and i really want to study abroad ! definitely somewhere in europe, i know in some places its a lot cheaper too. thats the good thing about studying economics ! im kinda scared about the swine flu thing because im a hypochondriac but i think i'll be okay.

we've been testing all week so i feel really relaxeed because i sleep an extra hour in class lol.

my friendships are good, my lovee is well, and everything seems fine (:

because we lay next to each face to face, feel each other's face, caress each other and just talk. the way that we kiss, the way that you talk to me, the way that we just lay there. everything.

i can't believe i ever doubted it before.

i hate getting ready for nothing. :/

i hate that i'm so afraid of his mom, i hate that she's nice to other people but not to me, i hate that i always end up at home and i hate that even though i ask other people if they want to go out they never can or probably don't want to. i hate that i don't really have a best girl friend anymore because she has a boyfriend, i hate sitting in my room, i hate feeling hopeless, i hate feeling like it's always going to be this way.

feeling like i have a best friend. i mean like a girl best friend. i have my main best friend, who's also my boyfriend, my love, everything,

but i think a girl needs another to feel like they can tell them everything, you know? i don't know. i miss feeling like that.

i spent the day with serena and the night and both days her boyfriend was over. i know that i like spending time with my boyfriend, but i wouldn't make plans with a "best friend" i haven't seen in a long time and invite my boyfriend and have him there for both days and put my "best friend" in an awkward situation the whole time.

idk. i mean i would've understanded if he would've gone with us only on friday night and then left afterwards but then he came back to her house to watch the movies with us and idk it's awkward and uncomfortable to have a friend with her boyfriend right next to you cuddling and whispering to each other. and then today, the first thing we did was pick him up and i was literally walking behind them the whole day.

and i get that she wanted my company and i appreciate that but i think i would've enjoyed it more if i would've had a chance to actually talk to her. i could only talk to her about everything going on at night, reaally late at night, and she fell asleep while i was talking to her. so instead i stayed up till almost 5 because i'd already started thinking about things that i was telling her and ended up not being able to sleep.

i don't know, sometimes i feel so alone. it's like every other girl i know already has someone they can call their best friend and mine has a new one who she wants to see aaaalll the time instead of spending ONE DAY/NIGHT with me. now i know why whenever i would invite her over she would never come, it's because she sees him every single day and they do everything together and i don't know it makes me feel sad.

i miss summer 2007 and i miss my old friends...

i think that this one really is not my fault though. i don't want to blame anyone but i know that if she really needed me i wouldn't bring my boyfriend along the whole time i was with her. and every time i offer for her to meet my boyfriend she's always busy. i don't know. i feel so lonely.

when i see that my best friend can see her boyfriend whenever she wants, and her mom loves him, and they know each other so well,

and his mom loves her, and he can stay out until 11, because he has a curfew but his mom doesn't mind if he's with her.

i wish i could spend that much time with my boyfriend,
i wish i could see him everyday like they see each other every day.

it's been a week of spring break and i've only seen him on tuesday. she's seen him every day of this week.

i can't help but feel sadness.
i wish i could be like that with him too.

but overall i'm content. i'm just glad i have him,
and i guess it makes me appreciate him more.

of feeling so fucking lonely all the time.

fuck and my stupid sister's a bitch. i haven't talked to anyone all day, i've been sitting in my room all day and okay that's my fault because i did get invited somewhere but i was waiting for someone else to call me and tell me if he could see me or not so i ended up not going anywhere but anyway my fault.

so i've been sitting here all day by myself and i try telling her about a movie i watched but her stupid addicted ass prefers laughing at the computer screen then listening to me. i'm fucking tired of her attitude and i felt like crying because i realize how lonely i've felt all day.

fuck and it's my fault for not going anywhere but whatever.

i dunnoo how to use thiss and i don't think i'll ever writee a lot in heree but maybees. :)

i'm @ my grandmaa's house right now, celebrating my cousin's birthday. my aunt is here and i don't know i haven't really had a good reaction yet. it's really awkward because usuallly while we are in the same place we always talk to each other but right now we're not and i'm just sitting here.

yesteeerday i saw my baby and had a good time with himmmm (: i love being with him, i love laughing with him and i hope things are like this again for a long long time. he makes me so happy and i'm all smiles when i'm with him, and i'm all smiles when he calls and i can't help but smile when someone mentions him or when i answer the phonee and he says his cute little helloooo && talkss to me like i'm a liddo kid. :)

i lovee him aaaaah.

i'm soo in lovee i dont even knowww how to explain how it feelss. :)

my mom got me all paranoiid on sunday and now i'm freaked out even more because of the coinkidinks yesterdayss and ah.

i might be on heree tomorrow or something idk, it's funn to write here knowing that probably nobody will read it lol.